Many individuals and couples who attend weekly counseling sessions wonder what they should expect for the time, money, and energy they are expending. It’s certainly a reasonable question, considering the effort and expense involved in participating in counseling.

Repeatedly through my years as a counselor, I’ve had people tell me that they are seeing a counselor who only repeats back to them what they have just said and doesn’t offer recommendations or give feedback. The person relaying this to me is usually understandably frustrated and confused and wonders “Shouldn’t I be getting more help from the counselor?”

My answer to this question is, “Yes, you should be getting more help than that.” It is important for therapists to summarize and reflect back feelings to be sure they are understanding correctly and so that the client feels heard—and this process can be therapeutic in and of itself. But in my opinion, a therapist who doesn’t offer more than this in response to the pressing questions clients present is shortchanging the clients.

Experienced counselors have a wealth of information and knowledge collected through the years from their educational background, on-going reading and workshops attended, research findings, observation, and personal experience.

They know what has worked for other clients and what hasn’t worked. They know what strategies some of their professional colleagues have used successfully with clients. They know what are considered to be the “best practices” in their field. This is the type of information that I believe therapists have a responsibility to provide to their clients.

It’s not the role of the therapist to tell you what to do, but it is the role of the therapist to provide pertinent information for you to consider, to help you look at all sides of an issue, and to help you explore your various options. The final decision about what to do is always yours.

When looking at the question of what you should expect from counseling, whether it’s individual counseling or marriage counseling, here are some points to consider:

1. You should feel “heard.” You should feel that the therapist is really, deeply listening to you and hears you on an emotional level. You need to feel that the therapist is accurately assessing what you’re feeling—anger, confusion, frustration, abandonment, or grief, etc. It’s important that the therapist gives you full attention and creates a safe environment for you to express yourself and to be fully heard.

2. You should obtain more clarity, self-awareness, and self-understanding during the course of therapy. Over time, you should grow in understanding about how you have contributed to whatever has happened and how to have a different outcome next time. You should also have more clarity and awareness of your real feelings, strengths, and patterns of behavior you want to change.

3. You should feel supported and receive encouragement from the therapist. It’s important for the therapist to acknowledge your efforts and the fact that you’re still trying, even if the results aren’t what you want yet. You should feel that your therapist is “in your corner” and wants you to succeed. The warmth and genuineness of the therapist are important factors, along with the feeling of rapport that is present.

4. You should receive help in setting definite goals and developing a plan of action. The therapist should help you clarify your goals and decide how you’re going to reach those goals. During therapy, as you explore options for possible solutions to your questions and issues, you can then develop a primary plan of action, with back-up plans as needed.

5. If you get “stuck” and lose momentum, the therapist should be able to offer suggestions on how to get the energy moving forward again. Obviously, you have to do the work and no one else can do this for you, but a skilled therapist can help you to get unstuck faster if you’re truly ready to tackle the issues facing you.

6. As counseling progresses, you should be able to see a broader perspective and overview of your situation. The therapist should be able to help you see the bigger picture and to understand what’s at stake in terms of your personal development, relationship skills, and quality of life. For example, if you’re exiting a marriage without addressing key issues, you need to know that you’re likely to encounter the same or similar problems in your next relationship. That’s the bigger picture.

7. You should receive help in identifying what you need to take responsibility for and what issues/problems belong to someone else, such as a spouse, parent, or child. Situations can be extremely messy and involved. The therapist should be able to help you sort out what you need to “own” and work on and what “belongs” to someone else that you can’t control. The therapist should also encourage you to minimize blaming others and instead to stay focused on what you have the power to change.

8. You should receive the benefit of the therapist’s professional experience and knowledge. The therapist should be willing to share with you what methods and strategies have worked for other individuals or couples, what research studies indicate, and what approaches aren’t usually as effective. If appropriate, the therapist may tell you about other helpful resources, such as books, videos, or support groups that you could explore.

9. You should receive help in generating creative options and possibilities for how to handle your questions, problems, and concerns. Your therapist should model how to brainstorm together for creative solutions and encourage creative expression of ideas. There’s never just one prescribed path to follow—there are usually many more options to consider than you’ve probably ever thought of on your own.

10. You should receive assistance in learning how to regroup when something you’ve tried falls through so that you don’t become overly discouraged or stuck. Learning new ways of behaving and thinking is a process, and that process includes regressing, failing, picking yourself up again, and learning from your mistakes. What you’re really learning is an approach to coping with life in general—an approach that builds the groundwork for success.