Paranoia is something I've always worried about contracting. I'm afraid I might have picked it up somewhere in the past few years. I won't even eat chicken nuggets anymore because I'm too worried about getting infected with the Avian Flu.

How can you tell if you're paranoid? There are several ways. Do you think that people lie to you a lot? Do you question government policy? When companies advertise new products do you question if they're being honest with you? Do you wonder how much they are actually profitting from each sale?

If you answered "Yes" to any of those questions, then you are not paranoid. Documented proof has been established to support all of your fears, concerns, worries, pessimism, cynicism, and lack of faith in many facets of life. If you don't believe me, then you're only being paranoid. Search the Internet and you'll find many facts supporting my claims, including proof that the moon doesn't exist.

If you are scared of an alligator or snake attacking you while you're relaxing on your toilet, you may or may not be paranoid. I confess that I'm unable to state with absolute certainty that there is a 0% chance of a reptile biting your butt while you're taking care of business.

If you're concerned about nuclear war and the devastation and eradication of life on Earth, you're probably not being paranoid. Nuclear weapons exist, and probably will continue to exist until the leaders in some country decide to oust the rulers of those other nations who dare possess such weapons of mass destruction.

Have you ever been fearful that you've started too many sentences with the phrase, "If you are?" You should consider that your fear is based on reality and consider going back to school for writing. If you're concerned that you've forgotten periods or commas in your writing, don't let needless worry consume you: proofread and perform an edit. The solution is just that simple.

If you think you're paranoid because you fear people talking about you behind your back, you needn't give it much thought. People are most likely talking about you behind your back. How can you tell? Have you ever talked about someone when he or she wasn't present? Has anyone ever spoke to you about someone when he or she wasn't present? If you've answered "Yes" to either of these then that means you're talking to yourself. If you find that you talk to yourself more than you talk to other people, you might want to consider socializing more often. As for people talking about you behind your back, it's very likely. Now that you know the truth, you can stop worrying about it. They're only talking about you behind your back for your own good.

If you're afraid of the dark, chances are that at some point in your life, something bad has happened to you while it was dark. If you're worried that there are monsters inside your closet, chances are that you have been violently attacked by monsters coming from your closet at least once in your past. If you're afraid of people close to you dying, chances are that you have heard of death and understand its implications.

While you're absorbing all of my confusing facts, remember that worry is not reality. Reality is what exists in your present. Yes, people will die, you'll get screwed over in business deals and as a consumer, and you'll get the Avian Flu from chicken nuggets. The point is, worrying about such inevitable situations is a waste of time. In relative terms, you only have a short time before you or someone close to you dies, or before you get attacked again by monsters hiding in your closet. Use the time wisely. Avoid contact with people, avoid eating chicken nuggets, avoid residing in a potential target for Ground Zero, and make sure your lights are always on and all your closets locked. Once that's done, your spirit will be free to enjoy life once again, fear and worry only a forgotten nightmare that caused you to wake up screaming a long time ago.